i woke up one day and found myself in an abyss. nothing seems to be the way it is. everything is what it isn’t. what used to be no longer is. what used to be considered a taboo is now being applauded.
those days when virginity was the most precious wedding gift. when marriage was more than just a signed document. when courtship came prior to dating, then wedding bells, then honeymoon and not vice versa. now lies has color. war is happening in pursuit of peace. visible rib cage is sexy. a life is now a choice. flirting has become a sport.
i am still many years short to mid-life but then i have seen so much disarray in this lifetime than i guess my grandparent’s had in theirs. it’s not only species that are endangered nowadays, but values as well.
i have seen it up close, breathe and lived within it. my faith is nowhere near wavering, though i have somehow content myself with knowing and accepting that i am not immune to worldly things… i pray for forgiveness but i have accepted, scary as it is, in the end i too will burn in hell.
if i had a world of my own. everything will be happiness. you will be in it. there will be no dark past. there is no holding back. i will be yours and you will be mine. we wouldn’t care if someone else exist and that someone else will care.
but then this is not my world. there are lies. there are heartaches. and someone does exist.
so then i lay in stillness wrapped under your arms, i stare at the window, wondering, wishing, whispering to the absentee star, that somewhere… in your world… it is I who you are with.
they said the only thing that’s constant in this world is change. I cannot agree more. even royal families who’s mere existence was bound by tradition was not spared.
i have changed vastly. living away from my comfort zone and the strong physical presence of my family was bound to make me an independent “almost” mature woman who now sees the glass as half full.
what surprised me though was my capacity to love and trust… something i once had and gave flawlessly. guess it’s true when you had that greatest love and with that also came the greatest heartbreak nothing else will be the same.
not that i am now incapable of loving or that i love less. It is just that i am extra guarded, less jaded and more sensitive. the heart no longer feel invincible. in short “praning.”
as the heart reunites with old friends —- sudden rush of excitement, blissfulness over mundane things, momentary stillness of own world, silly smiles on wee moments of nothingness—- the heart too harbor once known pain… and the scary part, the usual culprit is thy own shadow.
i am not expecting eternity… nor forever… not even that till death do us part.
as for now i will try not to ask for more… i shall not succeed.
savoring the longing hugs and kisses. bearing the temporary goodbyes. endless i miss you and the virtual xoxo. and believe that distance is my or our only enemy.
i am not ready for a last kiss… i don’t think i ever will be.
i was being cynical when i said in the future you will break my heart…. what the heck! let us screw that future together… yes, i mean together.
and so i cheated myself into believing i have once found love and lost it forever… until now.
i realized i had vague memory of what being in love felt like, after all it was nineteen-forgoten since i and that state of being was one.
there were forewarnings. but i was too silly and came unprepared to be swept off my feet. the entirety of me smiled, giggled, felt bliss and took comfort in your big strong yet kid like embrace. i let down my guard… so here i am now.
my long standing reconciliation with the thought that walking life solo was my kind of story became a blur.
that familiar feeling took place but came with it is its evil twin. as i hope for this feeling to continue to consume me, pain is also nesting like a culprit tiptoeing in darkness.
as my heart dance in limbo… and you became my potential lover… you too are my future heartache.
i am no siren, nor i effortlessly beguile any man of my liking. yet i had my share as a receiver of such playful overture and with that in note, hence this writing..
a singled out handshake.
transfixed gaze. with half smiling lips.
the unmistakable toying fondness on your tone.
tickled even my grumpy bones.
i acted rather coyly.
then again. am just a girl. these kind are just my guilty pleasures.
for a moment there i thought i had perfect long curly hair and bod of 35-25-35.