in a few months i will turn 35. and if by grace of God i will never ever get old, this would mean i am way past my mid-life.
not to be melodramatic about it, i could accurately say i have lived the life to the foolest. yes. i have done way so many foolish things enough to discount the goodness i have shed in this lifetime. i am not boasting but i am not denying, not that it will do me any good as we all know God is all knowing.
i have wasted a lot of time before getting the job i want and going to the place i wanted to go. i know it wasn’t all up to me. but if i had been more focussed and decided i would have been where i am now 10 years ago.
i have wasted time over wrong relationships. those that you would know was doomed from the very start. and yet i have willingly gambled, played, stumbled and betrayed by my own emotions. Odd though, with regards to this department, there were those i have allowed to slip off my hands and (only happened once) i have thought what if i tried and gave it a chance– there is always that voice inside saying “not meant to be” oh well it was not meant indeed.
i am not bitter. nor i am in a unhappy state or regretting what has passed. may be a “mid-life crisis” syndrome. but these are just thoughts lingering during times of melancholy which i effortlessly do not dwell on as i know life never fails to give me reasons to smile =)
for now i will continue to savor loving relationships with my family… those i am bonded by blood and those from flourished friendships.
and my constant reminder that no matter how the struggle, as excruciating as the pain may sometimes be, even when it seems you are going against all odds, Life… in all its intents…is Beautiful ❤
yes, there is a moanster brewing in me.
i live a considerably good life. i consciously know there are more reasons to be happy than to be not. but then i guess it is just the time again when every possible irritant in the world, no matter how minute, gets under my rather supposed thick skin. Not even happy news after another happy news can provide distraction.
it does not help when you are missing a lot of people. my family for one. and that boy i hate to think has already forgotten me. (i hate that i still hate you cause we all know that means i still ____ you idiot).
i seem to find myself in this state yearly. guess you can call it the downside of being single and no longer too young. i get irritable. i absorb the negativity around me. political issues at work. personal problems of peers. my homesickness heightened. my heartaches revisited.
there is no cure. or at least i haven’t found one yet. so while this crappy mood linger, i will get by faking a smile until it becomes real. so help me God.
my heart, my mind and my bank account are playing tug of war.
late last year my dear brother has already informed me of his and his partner’s plan of blessing their union with the holy matrimony. they have been living together for years, just before my five year old nephew was born. this will be the family’s first wedding, he being the second child and me being the still-single-elder-sibling. he is the only boy. i came home last year, my first yet to date. and since then i still have not fully recovered financially due to series of not-so-unfurtunate events and my usually not-so-frugal lifestyle.
so the dilemma. i can go home as my leave, though given the short notice was approved miraculously. i can afford the plane ticket, but that’s just it. but then i do not need to do anything else. i can only stay at home all the while and i am ok with that. i thought of just being practical, the plane fare can do so much with the wedding preparations. and then just carry on with the original plan of going home next year on longer number of days compared to my first return to homeland.
right this very moment i am torn. either way i feel i will somehow regret. though not being there on such a momentous event with the family weighs heavier right now. i wish for miracle. right now, i believe that money will solve everything. if only i will win the lotto.
you do not need to be smart, compassionate and selfless to be a nurse, though these are the qualities that separate a good nurse, and a good person.
that maturity is not synonymous to old age, thinning hair, the number of lines on the forehead and authority one holds. picture poppeye as a mascot, old, but a mascot. (do not ask me why poppeye, guess because he is bald? lol)
a person who appears well made everyday does not entail a neatly organized closet, literally and figuratively. sometimes they spend too much time putting on make-up and curling their hair that they do not have time to wash their own dirty dishes. trust me, you do not want to be flatmates with this kind.
some people love the “self” too much that everything revolves only around when they are happy, stops when they are sad and trembles when they are mad. while some are just way too short and even apologizes for being taken for granted, used and mocked.
when life hands out a lemon, you ought to simply make a lemonade. but because man is inclined to make things complicated, we look for salt, then tequila, then the rest gets fuzzy and we now have an excuse to get bitchy and horny…and what-have-yous.
the irony of life and love, though the journey matters the most, you would rather be the destination… not the stop along the way.
i woke up one day and found myself in an abyss. nothing seems to be the way it is. everything is what it isn’t. what used to be no longer is. what used to be considered a taboo is now being applauded.
those days when virginity was the most precious wedding gift. when marriage was more than just a signed document. when courtship came prior to dating, then wedding bells, then honeymoon and not vice versa. now lies has color. war is happening in pursuit of peace. visible rib cage is sexy. a life is now a choice. flirting has become a sport.
i am still many years short to mid-life but then i have seen so much disarray in this lifetime than i guess my grandparent’s had in theirs. it’s not only species that are endangered nowadays, but values as well.
i have seen it up close, breathe and lived within it. my faith is nowhere near wavering, though i have somehow content myself with knowing and accepting that i am not immune to worldly things… i pray for forgiveness but i have accepted, scary as it is, in the end i too will burn in hell.
if i had a world of my own. everything will be happiness. you will be in it. there will be no dark past. there is no holding back. i will be yours and you will be mine. we wouldn’t care if someone else exist and that someone else will care.
but then this is not my world. there are lies. there are heartaches. and someone does exist.
so then i lay in stillness wrapped under your arms, i stare at the window, wondering, wishing, whispering to the absentee star, that somewhere… in your world… it is I who you are with.
they said the only thing that’s constant in this world is change. I cannot agree more. even royal families who’s mere existence was bound by tradition was not spared.
i have changed vastly. living away from my comfort zone and the strong physical presence of my family was bound to make me an independent “almost” mature woman who now sees the glass as half full.
what surprised me though was my capacity to love and trust… something i once had and gave flawlessly. guess it’s true when you had that greatest love and with that also came the greatest heartbreak nothing else will be the same.
not that i am now incapable of loving or that i love less. It is just that i am extra guarded, less jaded and more sensitive. the heart no longer feel invincible. in short “praning.”
as the heart reunites with old friends —- sudden rush of excitement, blissfulness over mundane things, momentary stillness of own world, silly smiles on wee moments of nothingness—- the heart too harbor once known pain… and the scary part, the usual culprit is thy own shadow.
i am not expecting eternity… nor forever… not even that till death do us part.
as for now i will try not to ask for more… i shall not succeed.
savoring the longing hugs and kisses. bearing the temporary goodbyes. endless i miss you and the virtual xoxo. and believe that distance is my or our only enemy.
i am not ready for a last kiss… i don’t think i ever will be.
i was being cynical when i said in the future you will break my heart…. what the heck! let us screw that future together… yes, i mean together.
and so i cheated myself into believing i have once found love and lost it forever… until now.
i realized i had vague memory of what being in love felt like, after all it was nineteen-forgoten since i and that state of being was one.
there were forewarnings. but i was too silly and came unprepared to be swept off my feet. the entirety of me smiled, giggled, felt bliss and took comfort in your big strong yet kid like embrace. i let down my guard… so here i am now.
my long standing reconciliation with the thought that walking life solo was my kind of story became a blur.
that familiar feeling took place but came with it is its evil twin. as i hope for this feeling to continue to consume me, pain is also nesting like a culprit tiptoeing in darkness.
as my heart dance in limbo… and you became my potential lover… you too are my future heartache.
i am no siren, nor i effortlessly beguile any man of my liking. yet i had my share as a receiver of such playful overture and with that in note, hence this writing..
a singled out handshake.
transfixed gaze. with half smiling lips.
the unmistakable toying fondness on your tone.
tickled even my grumpy bones.
i acted rather coyly.
then again. am just a girl. these kind are just my guilty pleasures.
for a moment there i thought i had perfect long curly hair and bod of 35-25-35.