la vita e bella

in a few months i will turn 35. and if by grace of God i will never ever get old, this would mean i am way past my mid-life.

not to be melodramatic about it, i could accurately say i have lived the life to the foolest. yes. i have done way so many foolish things enough to discount the goodness i have shed in this lifetime. i am not boasting but i am not denying, not that it will do me any good as we all know God is all knowing.

i have wasted a lot of time before getting the job i want and going to the place i wanted to go. i know it wasn’t all up to me. but if i had been more focussed and decided i would have been where i am now 10 years ago.

i have wasted time over wrong relationships. those that you would know was doomed from the very start. and yet i have willingly gambled, played, stumbled and betrayed by my own emotions. Odd though, with regards to this department, there were those i have allowed to slip off my hands and (only happened once) i have thought what if i tried and gave it a chance– there is always that voice inside saying “not meant to be” oh well it was not meant indeed.

i am not bitter. nor i am in a unhappy state or regretting what has passed. may be a “mid-life crisis” syndrome. but these are  just thoughts lingering during times of melancholy which i effortlessly do not dwell on as i know life never fails to give me reasons to smile =)

for now i will continue to savor loving relationships with my family… those i am bonded by blood and those from flourished friendships.

and my constant reminder that no matter how the struggle, as excruciating as the pain may sometimes be, even when it seems you are going against all odds, Life… in all its intents…is Beautiful


resident moanster

yes, there is a moanster brewing in me.

i live a considerably good life. i consciously know there are more reasons to be happy than to be not. but then i guess it is just the time again when every possible irritant in the world, no matter how minute, gets under my rather supposed thick skin.  Not even happy news after another happy news can provide distraction.

it does not help when you are missing a lot of people. my family for one. and that boy i hate to think has already forgotten me. (i hate that i still hate you cause we all know that means i still ____ you idiot).

i seem to find myself in this state yearly. guess you can call it the downside of being single and no longer too young. i get irritable. i absorb the negativity around me. political issues at work. personal problems of peers. my homesickness heightened. my heartaches revisited.

there is no cure. or at least i haven’t found one yet. so while this crappy mood linger, i will get by faking a smile until it becomes real. so help me God.

a poor girl’s predicament

my heart, my mind and my bank account are playing tug of war.

late last year my dear brother has already informed me of his and his partner’s plan of blessing their union with the holy matrimony. they have been living together for years, just before my five year old nephew was born. this will be the family’s first wedding, he being the second child and me being the still-single-elder-sibling. he is the only boy. i came home last year, my first yet to date. and since then i still have not fully recovered financially due to series of not-so-unfurtunate events and my usually not-so-frugal lifestyle.

so the dilemma. i can go home as my leave, though given the short notice was approved miraculously. i can afford the plane ticket, but that’s just it. but then i do not need to do anything else. i can only stay at home all the while and i am ok with that. i thought of just being practical, the plane fare can do so much with the wedding preparations. and then just carry on with the original plan of going home next year on longer number of days compared to my first return to homeland.

right this very moment i am torn. either way i feel i will somehow regret. though not being there on such a momentous event with the family weighs heavier right now. i wish for miracle. right now, i believe that money will solve everything. if only i will win the lotto.

some sad truth

you do not need to be smart, compassionate and selfless to be a nurse, though these are the qualities that separate a good nurse, and a good person.

that maturity is not synonymous to old age, thinning hair, the number of lines on the forehead and authority one holds. picture poppeye as a mascot, old, but a mascot. (do not ask me why poppeye, guess because he is bald? lol)

a person who appears well made everyday does not entail a neatly organized closet, literally and figuratively. sometimes they spend too much time putting on make-up and curling their hair that they do not have time to wash their own dirty dishes. trust me, you do not want to be flatmates with this kind.

some people love the “self” too much that everything revolves only around when they are happy, stops when they are sad and trembles when they are mad. while some are just way too short and even apologizes for being taken for granted, used and mocked.

when life hands out a lemon, you ought to simply make a lemonade. but because man is inclined to make things complicated, we look for salt, then tequila, then the rest gets fuzzy and we now have an excuse to get bitchy and horny…and what-have-yous.

the irony of life and love, though the journey matters the most, you would rather be the destination… not the stop along the way.



i woke up one day and found myself in an abyss. nothing seems to be the way it is. everything is what it isn’t. what used to be no longer is. what used to be considered a taboo is now being applauded.

those days when virginity was the most precious wedding gift. when marriage was more than just a signed document. when courtship came prior to dating, then wedding bells, then honeymoon and not vice versa. now lies has color. war is happening in pursuit of peace. visible rib cage is sexy. a life is now a choice. flirting has become a sport.

i am still many years short to mid-life but then i have seen so much disarray in this lifetime than i guess my grandparent’s had in theirs. it’s not only species that are endangered nowadays, but values as well.

i have seen it up close, breathe and lived within it. my faith is nowhere near wavering, though i have somehow content myself with knowing and accepting that i am not immune to worldly things…  i pray for forgiveness but i have accepted, scary as it is, in the end i too will burn in hell.

effin failing

if i had a world of my own. everything will be happiness. you will be in it. there will be no dark past. there is no holding back. i will be yours and you will be mine. we wouldn’t care if someone else exist and that someone else will care.

but then this is not my world. there are lies. there are heartaches. and someone does exist.

so then i lay in stillness wrapped under your arms, i stare at the window, wondering, wishing, whispering to the absentee star, that somewhere… in your world… it is I who you are with.

yin yang mayhem



they said the only thing that’s constant in this world is change. I cannot agree more. even royal families who’s mere existence was bound by tradition was not spared.

i have changed vastly. living away from my comfort zone and the strong physical presence of my family was bound to make me an independent “almost” mature woman who now sees the glass as half full.

what surprised me though was my capacity to love and trust… something i once had and gave flawlessly. guess it’s true when you had that greatest love and with that also came the greatest heartbreak nothing else will be the same.

not that i am now incapable of loving or that i love less. It is just that i am extra guarded, less jaded and more sensitive. the heart no longer feel invincible. in short “praning.”

as the heart reunites with old friends —- sudden rush of excitement, blissfulness over mundane things, momentary stillness of own world, silly smiles on wee moments of nothingness—- the heart too harbor once known pain… and the scary part, the usual culprit is thy own shadow.


these are images of forgotten time that she wanna keep floating, if not disposed, in the abyss. her’s was the boogieman in her childhood and that day she was coerced and willingly gave life crossed-thumbs-down on her naked neck.

she never speak of and try not to look back to. she devoid herself of any relic, so she thought she has.

there was no mark left by the healed wound to remind her of why that brokenness.

because there was no scar, because there was no healing.

recollecting thy self

warning. her pseudo wordsmith is babbling again.

i can be a different me every other 59 minutes. a descendant of Mother Theresa. a picture of Angelina minus the hotness, tattoo’s and troubled past. the goodie uncorrupted damsel impossibly distressed. the loving daughter. the doting elder sister. the loyal friend.

on a flick of the hourglass i can become an angel in disguise. the modern Magdalena. a conquering resident of a hostile world. a graceful sinner.

there are roles to play. and of those my paramour is one out of the window.

no. i am not in such pretense. i just have a personality that swings in so much lability that tornados will be put to shame. no i do not have personality crisis. i know exactly who i am. i am just beyond definition. that i intend to be. i cannot be confined in a box. i refuse to be.

his for her

You changed my world with a blink of an eye

That is something that I can not deny

You put my soul from worst to best

That is why I treasure you my dearest jan

You just don’t know what you have done for me

You even pushed me to the best that I can be

You really are an angel sent from above

To take care of me and shower with love

When I’m with you I will not cry even a single tear

And your touch have chased away all of my fear

You have given me a life that I could live worthwhile

It is even better everytime you smile

It so magical those things you’ve made

To bring back my faith that almost fade

Now my life is a dream come true

It all began when I was loved by you

Now I have found what I am looking for

It’s you and your love and nothing more

Co’z you have given me this feeling of contentment

In my life something I’ve never felt

I wish I could talk ‘till the end of day

But now I’m running out of things to say

So I’ll end by the line you already know

I want you more than what I could show

as my lappytap made that *boing* sound i gazed upon the small window bearing your pseudo name. i stared. read. stared again. my heart started pumping in unsteady rhythm. my brain frozed—oh well it’s freezing winter midnight anyway— smiling from ear to ear. teary eyes. with flying imaginary wings and butterflies in my tummy. sweet taste of belgian chocs. a lump on my throat. the lungs gasp for air. then tightness in the chest set in… i was like in a brink of hysteria. funny reaction. but hey this is how you make me feel whenever you sweep me off the solid ground i am so used of being planted. If you were just beside me, i would just kiss you till you realize what i wanna say. but then you are not near. the heart ached further… i am starting to believe that the beauty of our story lies on our greatest impediment… hence i say, in time and distance lies our growing strength.

bliss in spite of

this is moi inbetween happiness and homesickness.

i can still remember the odd silence when my family dropped me off the NAIA early this year. the suppressed tears. the tightness on my chest and the realization technology will be our bridge yet again… indefinitely.

happiness. my family is the root of my capacity to love. next to God, they are my reason for being.

i get lazy. i moan at times. i get sore back. there are those that may irritate me not so rarely. but somehow in spite of, i feel home at work. i feel i am meant to do what i am doing. i am enjoying.

quality friends. i have them from A to Z. coming from all corners. my current wellington chums fills the imminent physical gap of companionship. more than enough that i think soon i will miss “me” time (hehehe).

gambling into love. yes i am in a relationship (ahem). but i still stand very very complicated. but i have learned to let fear be just unknown. to allow questions remain unanswered. the constant longing be my ally. reminiscing feed my strength. and hope that the interim will be just worth it.

so life is not all sweet. but i won’t complain. as i know i am lucky… no, i guess i am not lucky… i am blessed.

(i wouldn’t mind a million dollars and a rock on my finger though… dreaming tsk tsk tsk)

blindfolded hearts

i am not expecting eternity… nor forever… not even that till death do us part.

as for now i will try not to ask for more… i shall not succeed.

savoring the longing hugs and kisses. bearing the temporary goodbyes. endless i miss you and the virtual xoxo. and believe that distance is my or our only enemy.

i am not ready for a last kiss… i don’t think i ever will be.

i was being cynical when i said in the future you will break my heart…. what the heck! let us screw that  future together… yes, i mean together.

love anonymous

and so i cheated myself into believing i have once found love and lost it forever… until now.

i realized i had vague memory of what being in love felt like, after all it was nineteen-forgoten since i and that state of being was one.

there were forewarnings. but i was too silly and came unprepared to be swept off my feet. the entirety of me smiled, giggled, felt bliss and took comfort in your big strong yet kid like embrace. i let down my guard… so here i am now.

my long standing reconciliation with the thought that walking life solo was my kind of story became a blur.

that familiar feeling took place but came with it is its evil twin. as i hope for this feeling to continue to consume me, pain is also nesting like a culprit tiptoeing in darkness.

as my heart dance in limbo… and you became my potential lover… you too are my future heartache.

a stranger’s kindness

My timing was impeccable! I chose to drop my bumble bee to the car shop on a cold windy and rainy Wellington weather!

While standing outside the motorshop trying to figure out where i can freakin find the nearest bus stop or railway station, a lady who also been to the same shop offered me a lift.

All of a sudden i felt warmth! I came from a country where such kindness from a stranger is somewhat too impossible to even think of.

I remembered on my first time going back home after 2 years of being away i felt people outside NZ are too snob and rude… filipino’s at least. I got used to people walking pass saying “hello” “how are yeah” “good day” with a smile.

These are among the few reason why i ❤ New Zealand. It may not be crime free, but there are enough kindness to suffice peace.

I forgot to ask the lady’s name though… she is a kiwi if am not mistaken…. but you know who she is Lord! may you bless her more ❤

book wormie

think i had too much of and needed a break from vampires, werewolves, witches, wizards and even little people. it’s safe to say i like watching them portrayed in films rather than reading them… or is it because more often than not i see the movie first and that spoils my interest of reading… or maybe (think this is most likely) i’m too busy doing nothing to burn eyebrows with books nowadays… just me and my lazy big fat ass…

on many times i have browsed a book store (this is as often as i window shop for clothes and shoes) i always get my hands on this books portraying angels.

two days ago, i found myself on temptation land once again and got myself instantly enthralled after reading the first few pages of Halo by Alexandra Adornetto. Normally i’de wait for a sale but what the heck my impulsiveness got the better of me.

OK. the story is nothing spectacular. simply put trio of angels… siblings, gabriel an archangel, ivy a seraphim, and bethany an ordinary transition angel… sent to earth on a mission to spread and influence good. the youngest, beth, fell in love with a human, xavier a handsome school captain. being of two different worlds they faced hurdles on their relationship, as if the struggle wasn’t enough, a villain comes to stir their world by coming after beth. does the plot sounds familiar? if you are a twillight saga fan, you can relate so well. it can get predictable.

the book is well written though. you would never guessed the author is just in her late teens. or maybe that’s her strong points… too young and still dreamy… thus, a vivid detailed imagination written in such wits… it feeds your limitless awesome imagination. i specially like the first few chapters where bethany, being on her first visit and first try being earthbound, discovers first hand what being human is like and observing life up close. it was like being inside a newborn’s mind.

then again, maybe the reason i was consumed by the story is because i am a sucker for deep-dark-tragic-love-stories. any story that gives me that familiar feeling.

what can i say? this book already had me at book cover.

duper moon


i decided to take the route i rarely take on my way home from town one night and noticed this big moon seemingly watching me closely. i couldn’t help but pull over and stare on what gave me an ambivalent feeling.

ah the moon… it is supposed to be closer to earth every 18 years. there is nothing special about it, except that it looks bigger… and yes freaky.

i could not decide whether i am falling for it, or hating it, or fearing the speculative link it has to natural disaster given that just few days before supermoon showed up earthquakes and tsunami are in the news.

nevertheless, i was in trance. i sat and watched its magnificence for as long as i was alone in that bay parade and enjoyed thinking about nothing.

flatter me

i am no siren, nor i effortlessly beguile any man of my liking. yet i had my share as a receiver of such playful overture and with that in note, hence this writing..


batting eyelashes.
a singled out handshake.
transfixed gaze. with half smiling lips.
the unmistakable toying fondness on your tone.
tickled even my grumpy bones.

i acted rather coyly.

then again. am just a girl. these kind are just my guilty pleasures.

for a moment there i thought i had perfect long curly hair and bod of 35-25-35.

summer love

a fling. barakada hook ups. drinkies. road trips. a first homecoming. family affairs. the summer that was…

i want you to stay with me but without a choice i am forced to move on…

come gloomier days, specially now with all this nature outburst…

i will be rooting for you summer…

for now i will have to dance with whatever music life plays…

and find peace in knowing soon… summer, you will find your way back to me…