she once left her heart in the doorway to leave the door ajar but love never walked in.
and now even her soul feels like inside a cage and the cage is closed and the door is locked and nobody’s home.
There were wave after wave of sadness. Circumstances may not have been my own but caught the best of my state of vulnerability. Death seemed to have lurked around my network and took prey on a friend, friends’ parents, friends’ relatives, friends’ unborn children. These, teamed with my forever-homesickness and piling frustrations from work that brought me in the brink of losing my passion, found me in an emotion where life seemed incomprehensible. I wallowed in sadness. My tears too shallow that even rock song lyrics will make me weep. I was walking onto a ledge called giving up.
But even then i knew sadness is ok. My heart needed to break open from time to time so that life can seep in. It allowed me to take a back seat and appreciate what is in front of me. What i have. Who i have. Where i am. Who i am.
I remembered life was meant to be simple. We are born. We live. We lived (and hopefully leave a good mark).
I began to hear the sounds the world makes again, the breaking waves, the whipping wind, falling rain and chirping birds. A moment as simple as walking along the beach basking under the sun with my four-legged baby became a bliss. I am back to consciously making it a point to spend time with people that makes my heart sing, and made distance never a hurdle with everyone only a video call away. Taking one day at a time to appreciate, to give gratitude, to smile and simply breathe.
Allowing life happen for me, not to me.
I may be feeling in the dark right now. This is simply a reminder that nighttime ain’t too bad and won’t last long, and that it’s not what you have on the outside that glitters in light, it’s what you have on the inside that shines in the dark.
<Wellington LUX is a free public light festival that turns Wellington’s waterfront and laneways into a captivating celebration of light, art, technology and design-http://lux.org.nz>
to me the photo depicts that though we live in a big world where we could have a space each of our own we chose not to, as indeed no man is an island.
sometimes we explore without having to physical move. it is when story’s told and mind meets that great adventure begins. after all our minds are the greatest platform and we are the best director of our lifetime. that is the mere reason why when books are turned into movies, those who have read most often than not get disappointed.
A Stump For A Tail
You can’t buy loyalty, they say
I bought it though, the other day
You can’t buy friendship, tried and true
Well just the same I bought that too
I made my bid, and on the spot
Bought love and faith and
A whole job lot of happiness
So all in all…
The purchase price was pretty small
I bought a single trusting heart
That gave devotion from the start
If you think these things are not for sale
Buy a brown-eyed puppy with a stump for a tail
— unknown author—
sometimes the most effective communication does not include words.
i woke up to a very heartbreaking news, a friend’s sudden passing, gone too soon.
for a moment i was staring at the message, feeling vulnerable, on the verge of weeping
but i was hours away presenting a case study, i’m an anxious public speaker you see
it was a dilemma my hypothalamus had to take charge with
i switch off, and carried on with the day as planned
i am scared of myself whenever that has to happen
i feel detached, i feel like i have a heart of stone
but i am a nurse you see
i’ve seen death, like death was like a box of chocolate (forrest gump, 1994)
and often i’m too swamped with work that i do not have time to process my emotions
its sad i know, but often i have to compartmentalise my feelings
too often i fear i mastered it like its an art
i have never imagine that i would become like my young mommy girlfriends who constantly share and take notes, and surf the net for mommy wonder tips. When my pompom had diarrhoea and vomiting, yahoo and google came handy, i never knew until then what chicken and pumpkin can do to four-legged cuties. This D and V plight by the way was a newbie momma nightmare, Snow and i slept in the couch and i was basically sleepless as i would wake up every time he gags. When he had white froths in his mouth i searched online if there’s an A & E (accident and emergency) for pets that i can bring him to, and thank goodness i found this nearby pet hospital/clinic who had a 24 hours on call service (he did not have to be brought in @ 3am though, i basically just panicked).
Youtube on the other hand is my online classroom for tips on how to help Snow achieve full-blown pawsomeness.
so far the poops and pee situation is in control, i have learned to keep him on a routine. I started bringing him outside for some toileting time. as soon as we wake up, when i arrived from work, before going to bed, and few minutes after feeding (Oh and do you know they do need privacy? he seems to unable to when i am watching hence i have to close the door and let him be for a while). Praising him constantly and giving him treats every time he does the deed outside helped reinforce the good behaviour. Just this week, i noticed him standing by the door few minutes after his chow and when i lead him out he dropped the wee bomb outside! my proud momma moment there.
i am still learning his paw ways and have yet resolve his other issues, or rather my issues. He likes licking and biting my fingers, i let him get away with that as long as he does not bite, he does stop though when i tell “no biting.” But what surprised me was when he started to hump my hand. yep, my dog mounted my hand. My immediate reaction was to laugh (a big no-no by the way) and because i did not know how to react i let him continue. He did the humping again while my friend was around, this time longer and to both of us. Again we laughed and did not know what to do. For a moment we even felt sad thinking that maybe Snow needs a girlfriend (i know i know). I started to turn to Dr. Google and read that it was most likely not sexual and most probably a dominance gesture. He has not done it for a month until yesterday to which i was able to stop him by standing up and going away. After a few minutes i distracted him by playing with him using his toys. It probably didn’t help that we haven’t walk for weeks now due to this wet cold weather. Hopefully this humping tendency won’t become a problem.
as of now, i am just hoping for a better weather, so Snow and i can walk to the park and for me to be able to take decent photos of him.
I grew up with fairy tales. and yes that lead me to believing that love at first sight exist. that true loves kiss awakens the damned. that happily ever after is definite after wedding bells and fireworks displays. simply put i was one of the girls who were set to future disappointments.
no i don’t think chivalry is dead. i am in fact a hopeless romantic. but this is not actually about me.
i am thrilled of how the stories i have founded my romantic bubbles have now been told differently. or at least been told from a different perspective. my favourite as of late is how in Maleficent the prince whom only saw Aurora once could have impossibly developed real love in the shortest impossible time. It is just unrealistic, to me its a case of “like” mistaken as “love.” I am also loving how our perception of good and bad has been played in the story. A reminder that someone so bad was also once good. And what looks scary as a horned villainy is capable of something as good as true love. And did you notice that in Frozen, heroines Elsa and Anna had no need for a prince charming to come to their rescue? if i am not mistaken, they’re the first disney women who did not have the damsel in distress syndrome.
I’m ecstatic with these near to life tales. Makes me wonder how this will shape a girl’s propensity.
the air almost tangible
waiting for rain or snow
the earth is steady
looking up at God
leafy arms lifted like a prayer
like a shade on summer days
that warmth on our hearts on winter nights
a feathered friends nest
as they sing a song
on a tree between the sun’s adieu
and the night’s hello.
when i decided i’m ready to join the world of pompom mommies i told myself i won’t be one of those who treat their pet way too humany. for starters i will not refer to us as mommy and baby, yes that was broken rule number 1.
i tried not to go overboard with buying him things and limit stuff to the necessities, so far every brushes, leads, bed and sweater was justifiable. Sweater, yes that knitted sweater was the second broken rule. I have always pitied a dog on outfits as most often done not they look like ashamed of themselves and really really uncomfy. But after having Snow’s hair shortened under this cold wintry Wellington weather, i felt bad and decided maybe he needs one till summer arrives.
Snow love cuddles, snuggles and whole lot of licking, he seemed to be fascinated with my hands that he won’t stop whipping his tongue and making me feel his teeth, he’d chase my hands like his eyeing on a big price. on days i have to go to work which is 5 times a week i come home tired wanting to sleep as soon as i’ve refreshed, then i’de feel guilty we haven’t had our play time… hence enter broken rule number 3! Snow in my bed.
i know i know, i have to learn to stay firm. Even scolding him for pooping on the carpet ain’t easy when he looks at you with those doey eyes. i need to gather myself and decide that the NO NO’s should stay No. I need to work on my poker face.
i see the sky and listen to the trees
i hear your voice, full of silent cries
i feel the wind and felt you like a stormy rain
i close my eyes and your mouth uttered prayers for my soul
then like a ray of sunshine in the morning
i opened my eyes and saw the sea
there’s this filipino idiomatic expression that says “namamangka sa dalawang ilog” which according to google translate means “boating on two rivers.” this idiom is usually used when referring to two timing ass****s. No, this is not about cheaters and i am not giving a lecture on filipino literature (not my turf). this however is what i feel when it comes to “home.” they say home is where the heart is and as per the last time i checked my heart belongs to two places. i cannot decide between the two nor get enough of either one. always my bemused plight while i’m among these clouds.
it was a series of blessings in disguise.
i was about to concede to the dramas of flatting when the universe conspired and found me a lovely one bedroom unit, the bonus? pets were negotiable! as soon as i settled in, i started the search for the four legged friend. i had no idea then what i wanted, apart from i knew big dogs and few months old puppies would not be appropriate for someone living alone and working full time. i kept on looking through small dogs that are in quest for forever home and one day saw this 12 years old sable pomeranian. his name was basil and straight away i fell in love. contacted the owners son and drove almost two hours the following day just to meet him, sadly a week later i was told he was given to someone else.
heart broken, i decided to search for my own pompom and as destiny had it, i was brought to this pomeranian breeders website who had a one year old black pomeranian ready to be rehome, initially i thought he was no longer available as the post was bout 2 months back but after a few emails and text messages everything just fall right into place.
now meet SNOW. my clingy little lump of hair. he is just pawsome!
what better way to describe what befall a human in love. most of us tiptoe our way into the inevitable and once we let our guard down we dive right into without leaving a foot on solid ground. that is why it’s called “falling” in love in the first place. It is not always a happy ending though, whatever “happy ending” means to you. but like what Augustus said in the book, we cannot choose if we get hurt in this world… but we do have some say in who hurts us. so choose someone you will feel privileged to have broken your heart.
<photos taken two years ago, a collaboration of friends talent for a couple friend’s engagement shoot>
reading through my sissy’s blog brought back tidal waves of emotions. I remember what transpired this night as i spent my last day at home, that whole day i had that lump in the throat feeling as i was constantly holding back tears while i was savouring every interaction i had with each of them. I was memorizing each smile, the hum of their voices and the warmth of their embraces.
being away from the people you love is not the hardest… leaving is.
it always cuts way too deep and linger way too long till you are left with no choice but to be brave and make yourself believe “its ok, they are just FaceTime away.”
in my perfect world, my family is here with me in kiwi land. but the world is not mine and more so nowhere near perfect. i have come into terms that this is the choice i made and that i cannot have the best of both worlds.
for the interim, i move on in spite of our physical separation and take solace in knowing i have a family that i love and loves me the same, forever.
if back to the future was possible, i’d like to relive every Christmas.
back when santa claus exist.
with that child on Christmas morning. who’s joys were still naive.
when celebrations meant going to church and countless food feast with friends and family.
a time every year where different colours meet and bright lights flicker endlessly while merry carols fill the air sang by young and oldies alike.
where giving also meant forgiving. somehow hearts are softer. smiles are sincere. love truly tangible.
if you were to view my last most treasured memory from a penseive it’ll be all about the Christmas i’ve spent with my love ones.
this is what brings me back, and what keeps me looking forward.
April in Fiji. It was supposed to be a birthday getaway with my bestfriend whom I have not seen since she moved to the land down under 3 years ago. Sadly she was not able to make it, though I happily ended up travelling with another girl friend. We stayed on Nandi’s famous “party island” Beachcomber, it was only a small island, and when I say small I meant you only need an hour (or less) to go around by foot. It was during the weekday, so “party” meant mostly having loud dance music and open bar from 7am to 4am. The food was mostly what the previous guest were complaining about when I was reading the reviews, but since Fijian cooking is not too far from Filipino cuisine, we had no qualms and in fact, we enjoyed the fresh catch fish however it was cooked. So what did I do while I had no access to internet? (yes, there was no 3G coverage) Sleeping. Swimming. Basking under the sun. Snorkelling in the deep, my first time, brought out the sissy in me but I enjoyed the thrill that I had to do it twice. And body massage, my forever to-do-list when on a holiday.
September in Goldcoast, Australia. My second visit. My first travel with group of friends. First off I must say we scored a really really cheap deal for this, say only about 275 nzd each person for a 5 nights stay in Sea World Resorts which also included our free unlimited entry to the theme parks: Sea World, Movie World, and Wet n’ Wild…super not bad at all. What does a group of friends do while in a theme park capital? Rides… slides… screams… the adrenaline rush. By far my scariest experience was dropping from a 90 feet slide that kick off from a transparent trap door where the floor disappear and releases you after a loud count of 3-2-1 and then all you could remember was the feeling of being flushed away into oblivion… only last bout 6-7 seconds though, yeah that fast =)
November in Auckland City, New Zealand. I’ve been to this place many times, but this trip was for The Mrs. Carter Show. Do I need to elaborate why this cut the wanderlusting post? This is my “biggest” concert experience to date. Beyonce was, what can I say? Total performer? She is indeed Queen B! It was surreal watching her live and yet still look and moves like I was watching her in the screen. The ticket cost more than my accommodation in Sea World Resorts, but it was all worth it!
Same month in Melbourne, Australia. Well actually I only touchdown in Melbourne but was in Geelong most of the 2 days stay. It was really not a leisure trip, for it was for a workshop my work sent me to though I got to visit and meet relatives whom I barely remember since I was not even on my teens last time I saw them. Did get to explore a little but unfortunately, the horrible blogger-slash-photographer-wannabe I am, I was not able to take much photo. The highlight of this trip? I got to stay in a Sheraton hotel in front of the beach and it was paid for! Glancing on water was all I did though, as apart from I barely had the energy hence the lack of photos, the shark sign board warning was enough to put me off, though they do have a designated fenced area where people get to swim worry free of shark. Yet for somehow who grew up watching JAWS, imagine my horror.
6 weeks in the Philippines over the holiday season. My long overdue home coming. It was crazy of me trying to pull off traveling back from Melbourne to New Zealand then 6 hours after I had to fly to Sydney then Manila, needless to say I was knackered. Lucky I was not travelling alone as I was barely awake while in transit. Home. Nothing beats being with family especially over Christmas. I went out and met friends though there were still a whole lot I was not able to meet. Food feast in traditional style (google lechon among others), in fact I gained 4 kilos in 6 weeks! My realization though is that the more I stay back home the more I love New Zealand. Not to sound ingrata but I guess I am now so used to the laid back lifestyle in Wellington and the courteous people. But hey it is always good to get a good dose of chaos once in a while, besides being with family renews my sanity big time.