My current state of heart (inspired by the empowering text written and published by the great Portuguese Author, José Micard Teixeira)
I’ve never been someone who puts other people’s perception of me above my own or my family’s. I do not breathe to please.
I noticed I have simply lost the patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature.
I no longer waste time on anything that irritates me, or simply anything that connotes negativity.
And though I was never a crowd pleaser, I found no desire to be liked by those who do not like me, loved by those who does not love me, nor smile to those who do not want to smile at me.
I shy away from people who lie or want to manipulate and people with inflexible personalities. I do not want to be in the same room with, nor even wants to hear anything that plays pretense, embodies hypocrisy, and dishonesty.
I find it harder to stand pedantry nor any form of arrogance and most certainly uncomfortable with any kind of gossiping, coercion and comparisons.
To me there is no thin line between loyalty and betrayal.
And though I get along with people who know how to give compliments and word of encouragement, exaggerations give me the creeps.
I do things for my own pleasure with absolutely no regard to cheap praise. I have not become arrogant (I do not have a reason to be). I just simply found a new freedom. Freedom to anything that waste my time and does not deserve my patience.
i woke up to a very heartbreaking news, a friend’s sudden passing, gone too soon.
for a moment i was staring at the message, feeling vulnerable, on the verge of weeping
but i was hours away presenting a case study, i’m an anxious public speaker you see
it was a dilemma my hypothalamus had to take charge with
i switch off, and carried on with the day as planned
i am scared of myself whenever that has to happen
i feel detached, i feel like i have a heart of stone
but i am a nurse you see
i’ve seen death, like death was like a box of chocolate (forrest gump, 1994)
and often i’m too swamped with work that i do not have time to process my emotions
its sad i know, but often i have to compartmentalise my feelings
too often i fear i mastered it like its an art
Flashback Saturday: DIY Obsession.
reading through my sissy’s blog brought back tidal waves of emotions. I remember what transpired this night as i spent my last day at home, that whole day i had that lump in the throat feeling as i was constantly holding back tears while i was savouring every interaction i had with each of them. I was memorizing each smile, the hum of their voices and the warmth of their embraces.
being away from the people you love is not the hardest… leaving is.
it always cuts way too deep and linger way too long till you are left with no choice but to be brave and make yourself believe “its ok, they are just FaceTime away.”
in my perfect world, my family is here with me in kiwi land. but the world is not mine and more so nowhere near perfect. i have come into terms that this is the choice i made and that i cannot have the best of both worlds.
for the interim, i move on in spite of our physical separation and take solace in knowing i have a family that i love and loves me the same, forever.
if back to the future was possible, i’d like to relive every Christmas.
back when santa claus exist.
with that child on Christmas morning. who’s joys were still naive.
when celebrations meant going to church and countless food feast with friends and family.
a time every year where different colours meet and bright lights flicker endlessly while merry carols fill the air sang by young and oldies alike.
where giving also meant forgiving. somehow hearts are softer. smiles are sincere. love truly tangible.
if you were to view my last most treasured memory from a penseive it’ll be all about the Christmas i’ve spent with my love ones.
this is what brings me back, and what keeps me looking forward.
I remember one afternoon during my Uni days in Ateneo de Cagayan, I went home to my boarding house and as soon as I closed the door i cried. I vaguely remember what brought upon the tears apart from it was Father’s Day and I just missed him. Back then even with the 4 hours distance I go home almost every weekend, I have always hated being the only one away from the family. We do not have an extra ordinary relationship but we are far far far from estranged. It is just simply father-daughter friendship.
He was the one who taught me how to drive, I will always keep a fond memory of that. Learning from experience it is not easy to stay patient supervising a newbie driver, much more if the newbie driver was me! I remember pointing out to him “that boy is my crush” one afternoon when he fetch me during high school, he just gave a soft laugh. I remember speaking to him on the phone and told him I have a boyfriend, I was already working then and all he said was “you’re old enough.” I used to rest my head on his used-to-be-big-tummy. On my high school days, I have legally gone to disco pubs, given I tell my parents what time I am going home and on the dot of the hour I have said I will go home, my papa will be there right behind me in the dance floor!
I used to resent not inheriting papa’s nose (no offence to mama) and papa’s brown eyes. I realised though that in so many ways I am really my papa’s daughter. For one we both have the ability to become indifferent to people whom we have loved or cared for but has hurt us badly (i know i know not exactly the best example). He can be sweet, bungisngis and child like at times but he can also be scary when pushed far enough. I guess what I am trying to say is he is not perfect. Like mama he is also flawed. And together they are perfectly flawed. Ahem.
I can’t wait to be back home this year. For it is only in the arms of my father that again I can play one of my most favorite role in this world, that being a child… a daughter.
35 years. you would have thought you are by now armed with wisdom. that you’ve been there and done that. that you should know better.
unsurprisingly I have proven my self the opposite. I have actually, i hate to admit, lost my mojo.
for example. i used to think i have a good judgement of character, as it turned out this couple of months i have read and re-read people wrong. trusting may be a positive quality, but i have somehow found myself overdoing to the point of being complacent. i have not been careful in choosing who can hurt me. in short my guard were down way too long and wide.
but then i guess that is the beauty of life. everyday is not the same day. not even an eternity will make you experience everything twice the same. not even you know your self in absolute certainty.
but there is no reason to dwell on things sad and painful. let us only cherish happy memories. learn from every experience. stand up from every fall. move on from every heartache. remove yourself from the cause of adversity. or like in my case, develop indifference if you must. cause tomorrow is another chance. another venture. another drama. perhaps.
today i shed tears of joy when i saw a patient who received a second chance to life… to pee (lame attempt to be funny).
i used to unable to stomach the sneering wit of this patient. at some point i secretly avoid taking him in as he just annoys me with his every mockery of the (free) service/treatment he is receiving, from the “cheap” chairs, brand of tea, to just about anything. on a side note, and in my defence, i am not solo in this repugnance. he is just that kind who gets under everyones skin. took almost a year to get used to.
then today i heard he got the “call” days ago and is doing well after a transplant. i was not instantaneously ecstatic but i was happy. sadly, work does not give you enough time to linger on an emotion and so i thought i had no time to celebrate the good news. but when he dropped by at the middle of our shift i jump out of my chair, gave him a hug and we both were teary eyed while he told me how everything is still like a blur to him up until now.
my own reaction surprised me, this is not my “pet” patient and i am surely not his. maybe it is just without doubt i love what i do and moments like this helps me thrive after such an annus horribilis at work. otherwise it will be easy for me to just turn my back and find something else or go somewhere else. allow me to moan and you’ll find yourself innately screaming “enough already” as i can give you a litany of the painstakingly stressful ordeal a nurse, like me, deal with on a daily basis. but it only takes one good news. or just one nice patient (the kind who will literally unwrap and fed you a lolly after you have declined more than twice to eat what she is offering because you have your dirty hands full and that stopping even for a second seems impossible).
i love as much as i hate. same as i delight as much as i mourn. but this is why i am still here. this is who i am. and this is what makes me feel alive.
It is without doubt you ain’t good for me as I for you. That together we make Love The Way You Lie our creed, our anthem, we heed. You asked me why I chose you, and I could not give you a single answer.
Words failed me then as it still does now. All I know there was that burst of passion when we begun our liaison. Like we have once crossed path and made a pact to once again experience earth together. Like ethereal souls drawn to each other by love just to wreak inner havoc.
you thought every love story is like a fairytale
you find prince charming and alas your happily-ever-after
no one warned you of the untold story
that the wicked stepmother is not the only enemy
and like all dreamers you wake up
and realise nightmare does not only exist when you sleep
that in reality love or falling in love is not all sweet and may be bitter
that’s why they say find the person who is worth the pain
someone who you can create disaster and still look fabulous together.
she seldom looks nor smile to the camera, she likes candid shots you see. instead of saying she misses me, she ask when i am coming home. when she does not like the clothes i am wearing, she fondly brushes her fingers on the crease on my sleeves while asking is there anything else i could wear. i am a nurse, she is no doctor, but she knows what i need whenever i feel ill, and not surprisingly so she is always right.
she “used” to be my epitome of womanhood. of a wife. of a daughter. of a sister (and in-law). of a mother. growing up my eyes were opened to her flaws. i realized she was not faultless. she also succumbs to anger. her patience also has limit. feisty when family is at stake. though her perfection makes me proud, it is her vulnerability that i love the most. that is what makes her real. that is what makes her a good person… hence, a good mother.
this may be a month short. but honoring mothers goes beyond Mother’s Day. i celebrate her in every breathe i take. i am blessed i have her. and all i just hope is at least i can be half of the woman she is.
of all the roles i play recently it is the role of a friend i found the hardest, specially when friends has already become your family.
within such friendship you often switch roles from the prodigal to the godmother like. often times i think i would rather play the improvident, though it rarely is the case (i hope) as my head normally gets the better of me (i hope again). and the most cliche plot are those of emotionally draining yo-yo, or bogus, or denied relationships… anything that pertains to the matters of the heart. it is particularly not fun watching your friends willingly volunteer themselves to death sentence. there is that mixed emotions. annoyance, that your friend is a total blonde or that the guy is simply an asshole (believe me the “A” term is too subtle for this penis bearer). pitty, cause somehow you can totally relate (at some point). hurt, as you watch them getting wounded you feel the pain like lime drops on fresh open wound (drama).
but you see i can only take so much. there is a limit to everything. a point wherein i have to protect myself. besides, why take in someone else’s battle when that someone has already succumb to defeat… making love with failure to be dramatic.
it may not be my strongest feat, but i shall play deaf and blind…. and hopefully mute as well (goodluck!!!)
it was not an attempt to rekindle what has been. but a hopeful try to relive what was. and yet with all knowing and armored heart, i have found myself defenseless, yet again. had i known the backfire will come in this form, i would, might have, tried…. whatever it is i should have. though i know it is somewhat a lie to say i had no inkling… nothing could shield me of the inner havoc coming forth. it was way too absurd to think i will get out of this unscathed. dah nganong mi enter usab. anyhow, i reckon luck is still in my favor, for i can move on…. simply because there is nothing else left to do.
in a few months i will turn 35. and if by grace of God i will never ever get old, this would mean i am way past my mid-life.
not to be melodramatic about it, i could accurately say i have lived the life to the foolest. yes. i have done way so many foolish things enough to discount the goodness i have shed in this lifetime. i am not boasting but i am not denying, not that it will do me any good as we all know God is all knowing.
i have wasted a lot of time before getting the job i want and going to the place i wanted to go. i know it wasn’t all up to me. but if i had been more focussed and decided i would have been where i am now 10 years ago.
i have wasted time over wrong relationships. those that you would know was doomed from the very start. and yet i have willingly gambled, played, stumbled and betrayed by my own emotions. Odd though, with regards to this department, there were those i have allowed to slip off my hands and (only happened once) i have thought what if i tried and gave it a chance– there is always that voice inside saying “not meant to be” oh well it was not meant indeed.
i am not bitter. nor i am in a unhappy state or regretting what has passed. may be a “mid-life crisis” syndrome. but these are just thoughts lingering during times of melancholy which i effortlessly do not dwell on as i know life never fails to give me reasons to smile =)
for now i will continue to savor loving relationships with my family… those i am bonded by blood and those from flourished friendships.
and my constant reminder that no matter how the struggle, as excruciating as the pain may sometimes be, even when it seems you are going against all odds, Life… in all its intents…is Beautiful ❤
if i had a world of my own. everything will be happiness. you will be in it. there will be no dark past. there is no holding back. i will be yours and you will be mine. we wouldn’t care if someone else exist and that someone else will care.
but then this is not my world. there are lies. there are heartaches. and someone does exist.
so then i lay in stillness wrapped under your arms, i stare at the window, wondering, wishing, whispering to the absentee star, that somewhere… in your world… it is I who you are with.
they said the only thing that’s constant in this world is change. I cannot agree more. even royal families who’s mere existence was bound by tradition was not spared.
i have changed vastly. living away from my comfort zone and the strong physical presence of my family was bound to make me an independent “almost” mature woman who now sees the glass as half full.
what surprised me though was my capacity to love and trust… something i once had and gave flawlessly. guess it’s true when you had that greatest love and with that also came the greatest heartbreak nothing else will be the same.
not that i am now incapable of loving or that i love less. It is just that i am extra guarded, less jaded and more sensitive. the heart no longer feel invincible. in short “praning.”
as the heart reunites with old friends —- sudden rush of excitement, blissfulness over mundane things, momentary stillness of own world, silly smiles on wee moments of nothingness—- the heart too harbor once known pain… and the scary part, the usual culprit is thy own shadow.